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trying to figure it all out
Pubblicato:21 Aprile 2017 1:19 pm
Ultimo aggiornamento:9 Marzo 2022 5:40 pm
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As I try to figure out this new BDSM it scares the hell out of me! I have never been that social, people put off energy and at times it can be over powering, so I have learned to avoid as much as possible.

I have been a sub/slave for over 20+, first Dom was 15 years, granted I learned more about abuse of power then the true nature of this lifestyle. The second was my Master we were together 13 years and I learned about the bond that could form, and the value of trust and the mental and emotional damage that can be done when that trust is broken.

I learned lots of good things, don’t get me wrong. If I had not found something in this lifestyle that called to me, fulfilled me, gave me pleasure and contentment I wouldn’t be here.

I recently tried again, this one lasting 8mths, just 8 short months for my heart to be trashed. And as I try and figure out where it went wrong? What happened? How did I not fulfill? How did I do wrong? The rational part of my nature says I did nothing, I gave freely of everything I had, physical, mental, emotional. I wanted nothing but his contentment and happiness. I said what desires I can’t fulfill just be honest with me about it. No games, no hiding, sneaking, lying and we will be fine.
But he couldn’t do that, the thrill of the hunt, the feeling that he was getting away with something, which mind you never had to be hidden in the first place was more important, had more value and meaning then a girl who was giving him all. I wanted his success so I made sure he had the best too able to get there, I pushed and supported, gave of my time so that his success would come. I gave of my flesh for his desires without holding back anything.

This new model of the lifestyle that all that counts is the physical is the sex and play I simply do not understand. There are three parts here, the mind which one must have for the body to follow, the heart so that one might find pleasure in fulfilling another’s desires and the body is last and only a moment of time. The physical last but a moment and it has become the first and foremost part?

Perhaps I am overthinking this and perhaps the time when whole was valued is gone.
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