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Why Some Pain Helps Us Feel Pleasure...
Posted:May 25, 2017 6:49 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2017 2:34 pm
173 Views
Why Some Pain Helps Us Feel Pleasure...

The idea that we can achieve happiness by maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain is both intuitive and popular. The truth is, however, very different. Pleasure alone can not make us happy.

Take Christina Onassis, the daughter of shipping tycoon Aristotle Onassis. She inherited wealth beyond imagination and spent it on extravagant pleasures in an attempt to alleviate her unhappiness. She died at 37 and her biography, tellingly subtitled All the Pain Money Can Buy, recounts a life full of mind-boggling extravagance that contributed to her suffering.

Aldous Huxley recognized the possibility that endless pleasure may actually lead to dystopian societies in his 1932 novel Brave New World. Although the idea of endless pleasure seems idyllic, the reality is often very different.

We need the pain to provide a contrast for pleasure; without pain, life becomes dull, boring and downright undesirable. Like a chocoholic in a chocolate shop, we soon forget what it was that made our desires so desirable in the first place.

Emerging evidence suggests that pain may actually enhance the pleasure and happiness we derive from life. As my colleagues and I recently outlined in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review, pain promotes pleasure and keeps us connected to the world around us.

Pain Builds Pleasure

An excellent example of how pain may enhance pleasure is the experience commonly referred to as “the runners high”. After intense physical exertion, runners experience a sense of euphoria that has been linked to the production of opioids, a neurochemical that is also released in response to pain.

Other work has shown that experiencing relief from pain not only increases our feelings of happiness but also reduces our feelings of sadness. Pain may not be a pleasurable experience itself, but it builds our pleasure in ways that pleasure alone simply cannot achieve.

Pain may also make us feel more justified in rewarding ourselves with pleasant experiences. Just think how many people indulge themselves a little after a trip to the gym.

My colleagues and I tested this possibility by asking people to hold their hand in a bucket of ice-water and then offered them the choice of either a Caramello Koala or a fluorescent highlighter to take with them as a gift.

Participants who did not experience any pain chose the highlighter 74% of the time. But those who had pain only chose it 40% of the time – they were more likely to take the chocolate. Pain, it seems, can make chocolate guilt-free!

Pain Connects Us To Our World

People are constantly seeking new ways to clear their minds and connect with their immediate experiences. Just think of the popularity of mindfulness and meditation exercises, both of which aim to bring us in touch with our direct experience of the world.

There is a good reason to believe pain may be effective in achieving this same goal. Why? Because pain captures our attention.

Imagine dropping a large book on your toe mid conversation. Would you finish the conversation or attend to your toe? Pain drags us into the moment and after pain, we are more alert and attuned to our sensory environment – less caught up in our thoughts about yesterday or tomorrow.

My colleagues and I recently tested whether this effect of pain may also have some benefits. We asked people to eat a Tim Tam chocolate biscuit after holding their hand in a bucket of ice-cold water for as long as they could. We found that people who experienced pain before eating the Tim Tam enjoyed it more than those who did not have pain.

In two follow-up studies, we showed that pain increases the intensity of a range of different tastes and reduces people’s threshold for detecting different flavors. One reason people enjoyed the Tim Tam more after pain was that it actually tasted better – the flavor they experienced was more intense and they were more sensitive to it.

Our findings shed light on why a Gatorade tastes so much better after a long hard run, why a cold beer is more pleasant after a day of hard labor, and why a hot chocolate is more enjoyable after coming in from the cold.

Pain literally brings us in touch with our immediate sensory experience of the world, allowing for the possibility that pleasures can become more pleasant and more intense.

Pain Bond Us With Others

Anyone who has experienced a significant disaster will know that these events bring people together. Consider the 55,000 volunteers who helped clean up after the 2011 Brisbane floods or the sense of community spirit that developed in New York in response to 911.

Painful ceremonies have been used throughout history to create cooperation and cohesion within groups of people. A recent study examining one such ritual – the kavadi in Mauritius – found that participants who experienced pain were more likely to donate money to a community cause, as were those who had simply observed the ceremony. The experience of pain, or simply observing others in pain, made people more generous.

Building on this work, my colleagues and I had people experience pain in groups. Across three studies, again, participants either immersed their hand in ice-water and held a squat position for as long as they could, or ate very hot raw chilies.

We compared these experiences to a no-pain control condition and found pain increased cooperation within the group. After sharing the pain, people felt more bonded together and were also more cooperative in an economic game: they were more likely to take personal risks to benefit the group as a whole.

A Different Side Of Pain

Pain is commonly associated with illness, injury or harm. Often we don’t see pain until it is associated with a problem and in these cases, pain may have few benefits at all. Yet, we also experience pain in a range of common and healthy activities.

Consider the recent ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis) ice-bucket challenge. By dousing ourselves in ice water we were able to raise unprecedented support for a good cause.

Understanding that pain can have a range of positive consequences is not only important for better understanding pain, but may also help us manage pain when it does become a problem. Framing pain as a positive, rather than negative, increases neurochemical responses that help us better manage pain.

(source via I Fucking Love Science)

–-Library for Kinksters.
7 Comments
Subdrop and Aftercare...
Posted:May 24, 2017 9:30 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2017 11:56 am
447 Views
Subdrop and Aftercare...

I thought I would write a little and provide some useful information about sub drop and aftercare, since I have just had to help a close friend deal with her first experience of sub drop and although she knew what it was, she did not realise that is what she was going through and did not know how to deal with it.

What Is Subdrop?

Subdrop is the emotional and physical symptoms felt by a submissive that is caused by tiring out the body and the release of adrenalin, endorphins, hormones and other chemicals that create a natural high during a scene, leading to a subsequent ‘come down’ afterward, similar to the effects of illicit drugs. It can leave a sub feeling exhausted, depressed, sad and very emotional. This can include feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and other negative thoughts, but you should realize that this is simply your body’s natural response to a very intense experience, it is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and you are not to blame.

Subs will often experience sub drop in different ways, some may feel the effects of it more intensely than others and it can last for varying periods of time, anywhere from an hour up to a few weeks afterward, but it is only temporary and will eventually pass. It is important that you learn to recognize sub drop because once you understand that you are feeling the effects of it, you can begin to address it and simply knowing why you are feeling that way will also help, especially when it comes to your emotions and feelings. Try to communicate, interact and stay in contact with your Dom or others, who can help you cope with your emotions and how you are feeling, by offering you support and talking you through it. Following the other advice, I have included below will also help you recover from the effects of sub drop.

For the all the Doms, Dommes, Masters and Mistresses out there, this is just as crucial for You, as it is for Your sub. Subdrop is very real and not some myth, so aftercare and helping Your sub deal with the effects of it should be just as important as what You might do during a scene, especially as You are essentially responsible for Your sub feeling the effects of it and caring for Your sub is part of the responsibility that comes with being a Dominant. Aftercare should not be neglected and staying in contact with Your sub, offering them reassurance, validation and support will help during this vulnerable time and they should not have to go through this alone. Although some subs do prefer time to themselves, You should at least offer and ask what You can do to help, as everyone is different and their needs will vary.

If You do neglect aftercare and ignore sub drop, then the effects can begin to outweigh the benefits and enjoyment that Your sub may feel during a scene with You, which can cause problems for Your relationship with them and even end it. It is also worth pointing out that Dominants and switches can also feel a form of ‘drop’ after a scene, which I won’t address, but You can read more about it in the links I have provided at the end of this article.

So What Is Aftercare?

Aftercare is the name given to the process of being there with a partner for a sufficient amount of time, so they can feel safe, regain their emotional equilibrium and recover from the effects of a scene. It is equally important to recognize that aftercare is for both the Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive. If either person leaves too soon, then their partner may feel abandoned or a loss far exceeding the pleasure they might have felt during the scene.

Aftercare can include practical things such as making sure a sub is physically taken care of, treating any injuries, keeping them warm, allowing them to rest and making sure they have enough to eat or drink. Aftercare should also include attending to the emotional needs of a sub by offering them support, reassurance, and validation. This can include showing them affection by cuddling or holding them, even gentle and loving sex, as well as asking how they are feeling, talking through the scene with them and their experience, answering any questions they might have and giving them a lot of positive reinforcement, such as saying how proud You are of them. This can continue after you have parted ways and for several days afterward, by staying in contact and checking on their recovery.

Although like sub drop, everyone has a different experience and needs when it comes to aftercare, some, for instance, may want to be left alone to process this on their own and there is no right or wrong way, it simply involves doing whatever is necessary to help them recover.

How To Cope With Subdrop

A few ways you can help your body recover and deal with the effects of sub drop include:

ACE which stands for aftercare, contact with your Dominant and expression of positive reinforcement by the Dominant.
Drink plenty of water or a sports drink like Gatorade, which help replace fluids, salts, and potassium in the body that you have lost during a scene.
Eat foods to replenish the nutrients in your body, while you might crave comfort foods and sugary treats, which will not only replace the sugar and energy you have lost, but obviously give you some sense of comfort, the effects will be only temporary and will only leave you craving more, which is not ideal. Instead try to eat whole grain bread, meat, cheese, and vegetables, while avoiding any foods that are white in color, although milk is also very helpful.
Take some vitamins, especially the B-complex group that includes folic acid, vitamin B6, and B12.
Be active and interact with others, even if you do not feel like doing so, as sub drop often leaves a sub feeling ashamed, depressed, isolated, confused and alone, so being by yourself and trying to cope on your own will only make those feelings worse. Even spending time with your pet can be helpful. Most importantly stay in contact with your Dominant and try to talk to them about how you are feeling, so They can help you cope.
Exercise will help release more endorphins, lessening the effects of sub drop, which is partly caused by the release of endorphins during a scene and the subsequent ‘come down’ that occurs afterward.
Try keeping yourself occupied, with a hobby or other activity which will allow you to clear your head or express your feelings.
Aromatherapy, warm baths, meditation and listening to soothing music is also helpful.
Try to stay warm.
Treat and care for any injuries you might have sustained during the scene, such as scratches, bites, welts or sore bottoms. I am not a doctor and I could not possibly hope to cover every potential scenario in this article, but generally applying basic first aid techniques and vitamin E cream will help your skin recover more quickly.
Rest and get plenty of sleep.
Try to get yourself ready for a scene, by getting plenty of sleep, trying to stay focused and preparing yourself before the experience.
Additional Reading

You can find a useful article on the subject of sub drop here. While these are an excellent series of very extensive articles on aftercare and sub drop for submissives, Dominants, switches and also emergency self-administered aftercare.

–-Dominant Life
6 Comments
He Doesn't Want Just Any Submissive...
Posted:May 22, 2017 4:23 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2017 4:20 pm
1070 Views
He Doesn’t Want Just Any Submissive...

He wants all of her
Every scar
Every wrinkle
Even the bane to her existence

He knows what she needs
To feel safe
To feel loved
Hence to be worshiped

He would just as soon kneel to her
Not bearing his hand
Not releasing the cane
Not causing any pain

His Dominance is a delicate balance
Mind over matter
Pain versus release
Pleasure that breeds desire

His vision of a submissive does not include
Candy coated chocolate
Fixing something broken
Or finding someone fake

His Dominance lies in the desire
To be the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle
To be her superhero
To be the rock she wants to climb

He can and will
Make her come
Make her squirt
Make her lust for him

A true Dominant seeks more than his own sexual gratification. Therefore, he does not want just any submissive.

~Library for Kinksters...
6 Comments
~Finding Love When You Least Expect It...
Posted:May 21, 2017 3:40 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2017 10:03 am
1257 Views
~Finding Love When You Least Expect It...

People love to tell single people, “You’ll find love when you’re not looking for it”. While this can grate on your nerves, it’s actually true for many us. Why are we more likely to find true love when we aren’t looking? Here are some of the reasons why:

*You’re relaxed. When you’re not actively on the hunt for a new boyfriend/girlfriend you are more relaxed and at ease. You approach social situations with the intention of just having fun, instead of trying to be “on” and impress other people. When you’re more casual and relaxed other people can sense it and are more likely to be drawn to you. We are attracted to people that seem to be at ease, rather than those who seem like they are trying too hard or trying to impress.

*You’re more confident. When you’re looking for romance and not finding it your ego and your confidence can take a major hit. If you’re not looking, then the pressure is off and this can make you more confident in yourself. Other people can sense your confidence and are more attracted to it than they would be if you were feeling down and out, or self-conscious about being single.

*You’re not forcing it. If you’re bound and determined to find a partner it’s easy to get a little overzealous and try too hard to make it work. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be but we want something so badly that we try and try to make it happen.When you’re not looking for romance you don’t waste your time trying to force it to work with the wrong people. Instead, you’re more available without even realizing it and more ready to meet the right person.

*You’re open. Sometimes looking for romance is like having blinders on. You aren’t interested in talking to people at parties that are already in relationships or aren’t potential partners, so you narrow your focus to only include people who are eligible candidates. You are missing out on making connections and friendships with people who could potentially enrich your life in other ways, or even introduce you to a future partner. When you’re not looking for a partner, you’re more open to talking to anyone and meeting new people. The more people you know, single or not, the greater the chance of you finding that special person in the end.

*You don’t seem desperate. People can sense desperation a mile away and it’s a huge turnoff. If you’re so focused on finding a partner you can easily come on too strong or give off signs of desperation, which scares people away. When you’re not looking you’re relaxed and not trying to make anything happen – you’re just trying to have fun and enjoy yourself. People are way more attracted to someone who is having a fun time with no agenda than they are to someone who is desperately looking for love.

–-Dominant Life
7 Comments
BDSM: Isn’t That A Sex Thing?
Posted:May 21, 2017 6:11 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2017 11:04 am
1372 Views
BDSM: Isn’t That A Sex Thing?

it’s also a respect thing
it’s also a consent thing
it’s also a love thing
it’s also an honest thing
it’s also a personal expression thing
it’s also a communication thing
it’s also an acceptable thing

It’s also a friendship thing
8 Comments
The People You Need In Your Life...
Posted:May 20, 2017 10:10 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 6:41 pm
1722 Views
The People You Need In Your Life...

No man is an island, as the saying goes, and it’s true. No matter how strong and capable we are as individuals, it’s the other people in our lives that we share our experiences with that make our lives whole and give them meaning. You certainly don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, but if these are the people you need in your life to be the best version of yourself and live a happy and complete life:

~Those who we can cry to. We all need a shoulder to cry on from time to time, no matter how tough and independent we are. Even if you don’t ever actually cry to them, just knowing that you have someone there for you that you can turn to is a huge comfort. Knowing that someone is there for you when times are tough helps you feel supported and reminds you that you’re never alone, no matter how bad things get.

~Those who pep us up. When we’re stuck in a rut, down in the dumps, or just feeling bad about ourselves, we all need a friend who is there to help shake us out of our funk and help get us back on our feet. Some people are just natural optimists and these people are great cheerleaders, always there to help us shake the dust off and boost our moods so we feel ready to tackle life’s challenges. They make us see that things aren’t as bad as we think and that we are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at us.

~Those who love us unconditionally. We all need someone in our life who loves us no matter how badly we screw up. No one is exempt from making bad decisions, being embarrassed or experiencing hard times, and when life gets tough we see who our true friends are. Many people will abandon us when we’re down and out, but certain friends or family members love us unconditionally. Having their constant support means that we always have someone in our corner, no matter what.

~Those who inspire. The people who inspire us might not even be people that we know. They might be celebrities, professional athletes, business leaders or philanthropists that we will never meet, but the point is that we all need people that we look up to and aspire to be like. These people give us direction, motivation and a sense of purpose that we can focus on. They help us daydream about what we want our lives to be like and help us set goals to make those dreams a reality.

~Those who keep us grounded. We all need friends and family that know the real us, who we can just “be” with without having to be on our a-game, or whom we don’t have to impress and entertain. These are the people we can totally relax and be ourselves with. They know and love the real us. They help keep us grounded because we know that no matter how much our happiness, success or our plans for our lives go up or down they will always be there as a constant in our lives. They’ll never let our egos get overinflated or let us pretend to be someone we aren’t.

~Those who challenge us. Some people in life just push our buttons. Although it seems like we could really live without these people in our lives, they are actually great to have around. They irk and irritate us, but more importantly, they challenge us. Having someone that challenges you is what keeps you on your toes and helps you to keep growing, changing and striving to be your best. Being challenged means we won’t get complacent, lazy or sluggish. Even though these people can be irritating to us, they are actually a great influence on our motivation.

~Library for Kinksters
4 Comments
Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)...
Posted:May 20, 2017 5:53 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2017 11:04 am
1715 Views
Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)...

For most people, rope from a hardware store is just fine. However, there’s more to bondage rope than meets the eye. Finding bondage rope - especially really good bondage rope - isn’t as simple as snagging 100 feet of clothesline at the hardware store and putting a bow on it. In this article, I’ll give you some insight into what makes rope suitable for bondage, and how to choose just the sort of rope you and your partner will enjoy for whatever sort of play you like.

Material
The most hardware store rope is made of synthetic fibers - usually nylon or polypropylene. Occasionally you’ll see natural fibers, most often cotton and sometimes jute or sisal (avoid these last two, as they’re much too rough for comfort). You can get hemp bondage rope from specialty suppliers - about which more later.
Synthetic fibers tend to feel slippery and look glossy. Natural fiber rope lacks that glossy look and feels more “nappy.” This is because natural fibers tend to have a lot of what rope-mavens call “tooth.” That means the rope tends to grip itself, so it holds knots better. This advantage of natural fiber doesn’t matter for most bondage applications: Most ties work just fine with synthetic rope. But if you want to get into Japanese bondage then you’ll want to invest in authentic hemp. Hemp is THE rope for traditional Japanese bondage, and the style has evolved with very simple knots because of that natural tooth.

Structure
As for structure, the rope comes in three basic forms: Solid braid, twisted and braided with a core. Braided with the core is just what it sounds like: a braided sheath over a fiber core for extra strength. It’s cheaper than solid braid in most cases. Braided vs twisted is pretty obvious just from looking. The difference between solid braid and braid with the core is subtle: usually, you’ll have to check the label for that, or cut the rope - you can see the core clearly then.
Synthetic fiber rope usually feels better against the skin. I usually recommend solid braid nylon as the simplest basic bondage rope. If you already have scored rope then you can make it much softer and more supple by pulling the core out. You’ll reduce the strength of the rope by about 70% but for ordinary bondage that should be fine. You just won’t want to do suspension with it. I have some rope in my own toy bag that I’ve modified this way, and I use it for a few special purposes. However, if you have a choice, go with solid braid to start.

Thick, thin, or something in between?
As for diameter, that’s very much a matter of taste. Broadly speaking, the thinner rope is easier to tie, but “bites” the skin more. Thicker rope feels gentler but is harder to tie good knots in. I usually use rope between 1/4” and 3/8”. I use 1/4” rope for cuff tie-downs, but if the rope is going to go next to skin I prefer 5/16”. Some people like rope as thick as 1/2”. I don’t recommend rope thinner than 1/4” or thicker than 1/2”. Experiment with different diameters and strike your own balance.

Purchasing your rope
You can get most of your rope from the hardware store. This is a good thing since one of the firmest rules is “never buy rope that you haven’t felt.” The thing is, rope from the hardware store varies widely in feel. So if you buy from the hardware store then feel it first. Good bondage rope should feel soft and compressible, flexible, good on the skin. If you can let the person you plan to tie with it feel it, all the better. Your best bet is rope on open coils. Avoid those sealed plastic packages. Look around until you find rope with the weight, suppleness, and softness you like.

What length should my rope be?
How much of it will you need? Many rope-fans like to organize their rope into “sets” each consisting of a single long piece of rope cut into various standard lengths. This allows them to make all the rope in a given tie match, which some of us anal-retentive types appreciate. The standard lengths you need depend on the sort of bondage you like to do. You can use these guidelines for buying single lengths of rope, or for buying a long piece and cutting it down to a set:

40-50 feet: Body harnesses for most average-size people.
25-30 feet: Chest harnesses, crotch ropes, body harnesses on smaller people. Overall this is probably the single most versatile length.
15 feet: Ties on knees, ankles, or elbows. Wrist ties where you want some rope left over for tying off to something. This is also a good length for making rope “cuffs” for each wrist or ankle (aka “Single-limb ties”).
10 feet: basic wrist or ankle ties.
5-6 feet: a handy length for securing leather cuffs to a bed or other attachment point.
On the whole, it’s better to have too much rope for a given tie than not enough.
Using these guidelines, here’s how I cut up 260 feet of rope to make a typical set for my own bondage work:
1 x 50 feet
4 x 30 feet
3 x 15 feet
2 x 10 feet
4 x 6 feet

Cutting & finishing
There are two steps to preparing your rope: cutting it to the desired length, and finishing the cut ends. Cutting is easy: First measure off the length you want. I use the fact that my outstretched arms are almost exactly 6 feet from fingertip to fingertip as a handy guide. Next, mark the cutting point by wrapping the rope with electrical tape or masking tape on either side of the point you plan to cut (leave about 3/4” of bare rope between the tape wrappings). Finally just cut the rope between the two pieces of tape. The tape will hold the rope ends and keep them from unraveling after you cut them.
You can leave the tape wrappings as they are, or you can finish the ends a little more neatly. I like to use colored electrical tape on the ends of each of my ropes, color-coded so I can tell how long a given rope is just by glancing at the ends. Other riggers like to use a neutral color tape and a permanent marker to write the length directly. If I’m feeling very fancy I will “whip” the ends of my rope with waxed twine to keep the ends neat. It’s prettier than tape but significantly more work. Wikipedia has an excellent article on rope whipping here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whipping_knot.
There’s one common method of finishing the ends that I do not recommend. With synthetic fibers such as nylon, many people will melt the ends of the rope with a flame of some sort. This works well enough for ordinary utility rope, but I don’t think it’s very attractive for bondage rope. Even more important the hard ends this creates may scratch the bottom who wears your ropes, and they may also catch in the fibers of other ropes when they’re stored together. And of course, melting won’t work at all with natural fiber rope, whereas tape or whipping will. There are so many better ways to finish your ropes that I think melting just isn’t worth the trouble.

Taking care of your rope
With proper care, your rope should last for quite a long time. Avoid getting it dirty, as grit (whether from the dirt itself or drawn in by greasy stains) will gradually wear away at the rope fibers, weakening it. Likewise, don’t let your rope sit in the bag if it’s wet. Mildew will set in.
If you need to wash your rope then the best way is by hand in a sink. If you need to use a washing machine then put the rope in a small net bag such as those used for washing stockings and other delicates. This will keep your rope from wrapping around the agitator in the washing machine. In either case, use a mild detergent, and let your rope hang dry. Don’t put it in a dryer.
To store your rope, coil it in some secure way and put it away in a drawer, chest, or toy bag. Everyone has his own favorite way to coil rope. The important thing is that whatever method you use has to be secure enough to keep the coil from coming loose in the bag. If it does come loose then you end up with “rope salad,” and that’s just not cool.
For a very simple storage coil, just coil the rope up in some handy way, then tie a single knot in the middle of the coil to keep it from coming loose. There are lots of other ways of course. My personal favorite is the “chain sennit,” which looks a lot like crochet, only with rope.

I hope these suggestions and tips have given you a better idea of the kind of rope you might want to buy and how to take care of it. Hope you’ll enjoy yours as much as we do.

~Dominant Life
5 Comments
The Dalai Lama’s Rules for Living
Posted:May 19, 2017 5:09 am
Last Updated:May 19, 2017 7:58 pm
1984 Views
The Dalai Lama’s Rules for living

3 Comments
When I'm Down
Posted:May 18, 2017 11:49 am
Last Updated:May 19, 2017 7:58 pm
2149 Views
When I'm Down
Lyrics By: Chris Cornell
Album: Euphoria Morning

What say you now?
The door is opening on your vigil
And I'm in my usual way
I save my breath, knowing what you're
Wanting me to say
I only love you when I'm down
You say that midnight opens its arms to me
Leaving you alone, and I fly so far away
Until the light blurs my vision
And I have nowhere to roam
I only love you when I'm down
And I only love you when I'm down
And I'm only near you when I'm gone
But one thing for you to keep in mind, you know
I'm down all the time
Well I know you're reaching out
And you need to feel my hand
You want to be understood, yeah well I understand
I know you hold precious little hope for me
And in your happiness
I'm always drowning in my grief
And I only love you when I'm down
And I'm only near you when I'm gone
But one thing for you to keep in mind, you know
I'm down all the time
All the time, all the time, all the time

R.I.P. Chris Cornell
3 Comments
Limits in BDSM...
Posted:May 18, 2017 11:22 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2017 2:06 pm
2178 Views
Limits in BDSM....

In every new relationship, at some point, the topic of limits will be discussed. What are your limits?

Everybody has limits, fact. It could be for health reasons, phobias, fear, safety, triggers or any other reason which is unappealing or disliked. If it is unacceptable, unappealing and unwanted it will be a limit. There will come a point in a relationship when something will become a limit. Think about this hypothetical scenario; a Dom suddenly decides he wants to see his sub-gang banged by a bar full of guys. Is that perfectly acceptable for him to do this without her consent? With no discussion or thought to her safety and wellbeing? What about her morals and ethics? Still okay with this scenario? She claims she has no limits, right?

For those who are uncertain or confused by what limits are, they are two main types - Hard and soft limits. A soft limit is something that may not be what you think you want at this time, but are willing to try in the right circumstance or with a particular Dominant. Or you would be willing for your Dom to persuade you in scene if the conditions were suitable. A hard limit is something that should never be done under any circumstance. The line in the sand that is never to be crossed. As the relationship develops and a greater amount of trust is established, limits may very well change. What was once a hard limit may become something that is now pleasurable and part of a scene or may become a soft limit. Likewise, a soft limit may become a hard limit. In time, your risk levels will expand. For this reason, limits should be discussed from time to time to establish these new boundaries.

To establish limits and discover what your limits are, discuss what appeals to you and what you find unappealing. Whether or not you like or dislike an activity is a matter of personal choice, taste, and experience.For the new submissive, it’s important to look inside yourself and discover what your boundaries and limits are before searching for a partner. This could be absolutely anything you do not like, want, find appealing or whatever. Maybe you hate your feet been touched? Maybe being enclosed in a tight space because you suffer from claustrophobia? There are also the unwritten or obvious limits that need no written contract, which is anything illegal, animals, minors, etc. which are far outside the ‘moral’ code of human behavior and a D/s relationship. Basically, anything that is of no interest to either partner will be outside their boundaries and will not come into the dynamic and become absolutes.

Pre-arranged limits are different from personal limits. These are mutually agreed by both partners before a D/s relationship is entered into. These could include; no third parties allowed into the relationship, maximum number of people allowed to join a scene, etc. These lines are never to be crossed without a prior discussion at the very least.

Limits are also used to help determine compatibility when searching for a partner. A little may search for a Daddy Dom, but if the DD has a hard limit RE ageplay and that’s your kink… or maybe you don’t like pain and your new Dom has a limit that insists on sadism towards the sub. Again, communication is the way forward.

Limits can also be positive with regards to D/s. For example, a submissive may only enter into a scene (or relationship) with the strict instruction that a lot of spanking is to be included or she is not willing to participate (or enter into a relationship).

In a long-term, well-established D/s relationship there very well may be ‘no limits’ because both partners have established enough trust within the relationship and stay within the boundaries of their dynamic. To them, they play safe, safe and consensually and never step outside of their comfort zone. They know what is and is not acceptable. They know their own kink is in sync and want the same experiences. There is a level of trust that exists between the two partners that they can say ‘we have no limits’ because every part of their relationship is tried and tested, they are in tune and they know each other extremely well. There is no ‘outside the box’ to their dynamic, everything remains within the confines of what has already been established. Technically, they both have limits. It’s just that they are so in sync together it just ‘appears’ that they have none.

Never say you do not have any limits. Would you like to be suffocated? Tortured? Sleep naked outside? Maybe have your Doms name tattooed on your forehead? Or branded? Now or somewhere in time, there will be something that you do not want or like or do not want to do. Know your limits and express them to your partner.

For the benefit of the reader. This article was written with the BDSM mantra of SSC, safe, sane and consensual in mind. It is for information purposes only. Take from this what you will. This is also gendered universal.

~Library For Kinksters
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