Close Please enter your Username and Password
Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
Password reset link sent to
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service

Gentlemancad 60M
0 posts
2/21/2018 11:04 am
In which one lays a ghost with a spanking


One of the cottages in the village had been the setting for some paranormal activity and had stood vacant for some time as a result. When I heard that Canon Oaley was going to perform an exorcism, I naturally assumed that he would be entirely successful.

Imagine my surprise, therefore, when his assistant, a Miss Mountshaft, sent me a telegram requesting my assistance.

I made my way to the cottage immediately.

“Sir Cuthbert!” declared Miss Mountshaft, as I entered, “I did not expect you from the rear!”

“It’s much quicker this way,” I told her. “From your note I could tell that you wanted me to come as soon as I could.”

“Indeed, I did.” She smoothed down her skirt. “Thank you for obliging me.”

“My pleasure. Now then. How may I be of further assistance to you?”

“It’s Canon Oaley. He’s tried everything he knows to exorcise this spirit but it’s simply not working and he’s wearing himself out. My assessment suggests an entirely different course of action but he won’t even countenance it.”

“It’s far too dangerous, Upstanding!” declared Canon Oaley, as he entered the kitchen. “This goes far beyond anything else in my considerable experience. I suppose Miss Mountshaft here has made her proposal to you?”

“She said you needed some respite,” I told him, adroitly avoiding the issue of what Miss Mountshaft had in her mind.

He looked at me for some time before replying, “Yes. Well. I will admit to feeling quite worn out. Some sort of respite might be in order.”

Behind him, I could see Miss Mountshaft rolling her eyes in exasperation.
“A rest. Yes. That’s what I need.”

“Now look here, Canon. Why don’t you go up to the big house and ask Mrs Wellbeloved for some tiffin. She will, I am sure, happily cater for all your needs.”

“Mrs Wellbeloved! Tiffin? Do you really mean tha,t my boy?”

“Absoultely! Tell her I sent you and that you are to take full advantage of her and her facilities.”

“Thank you, my boy. Thank you so much!” he went to go but paused. “I trust you two willnot get up to anything in absence?”

“Oh absolutely!” I assured him.

“Very well! Thank you again, my boy!” and he eagerly left us.

“Extraordinary!” muttered Miss Mountshaft. “All it took was an offer of tea and cakes with your housekeeper.”

“Ye-es,” I said. “It will be quite an experience for the old fellow.”

“How so?”

“Well, erm, Mrs Wellbeloved is able to cater for all manner of appetites and tastes and her buns are still considered to be the finest in the county.”

“Anyway, well done, sir!” cried Miss Mountshaft and she clapped her hands with delight. “I tried everything to get him to stop and listen to reason for he was just making matters worse.”

“Worse?”

“He was antagonising the spirit! She was trying to communicate with us but he just ignored her! He tried to get rid of her but that just made her more determined.”

“So, it’s a female ghost we are trying lay, is it?”

“I am convinced of it. What do you make of this?”

She handed me a small piece of paper that had been rolled up into a ball. I unrolled it and read out the letters contained inside. “’Em knaps.’ What curiously formed letters! Is it some sort of code?”

“No, no, try it like this.” She turned the paper round in my hands. “Spank me!”

“I beg your pardon, Miss Mountshaft?”

She flushed slightly. “’Spank me!’ Don’t you see? This note says, ‘Spank me.’”

“So, it does.”

“This manifestation began with these tightly screwed up bits of paper being thrown at the man of the house. When he did not react, not fully understanding the import of these messages, the spirit grew restless and more vexatious. To cut a long story short, she made life untenable for the occupants and they had to leave.”

“So, all this unpleasantness could have been avoided simply with a spanking.”

“Quite.”

“But how does one go about spanking a ghost?”

To be continued..


Gentlemancad 60M

2/21/2018 11:24 am

[image]


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/21/2018 12:20 pm

Hilarious ......May i suggest you search on youtube *Sir Henry at Rawlinsons end*.......and select the clip that is 9:51 minutes long so you get a little taster of the comedy genius....I think it's right up your street after reading your amusing post....oh and for future reference...you should inform the ghost hunters or exorcists that to be able to kick the demons arse in an exorcism it is only possible once they establish the demons true name...without that information which the demon must GIVE itself...as it's hiding it's identity...without the demon providing it's true demon name an exorcism is totally fruitless and a waste of time and effort...i feel like i just pissed on someone's parade as this WAS a very *chortle chortle* kinda post but i am really into all supernatural things and could quite effortlessly perform an exorcism without any assistance but alas...here in Wales i have yet to come across a possessed sheep...but if and when it happens i will be equipped...skilled and at the ready (one little problem will be the sheep can't talk unless it's Babe from the movie so no demon identity will be given...i really haven't given this enough thought ) Someone please shoot me now

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


eroticallyincldn 70F
1635 posts
2/21/2018 1:04 pm

chuckling....


TheBargee 68M
16315 posts
2/21/2018 3:55 pm

    Quoting Lotusflower1:
    Hilarious ......May i suggest you search on youtube *Sir Henry at Rawlinsons end*.......and select the clip that is 9:51 minutes long so you get a little taster of the comedy genius....I think it's right up your street after reading your amusing post....oh and for future reference...you should inform the ghost hunters or exorcists that to be able to kick the demons arse in an exorcism it is only possible once they establish the demons true name...without that information which the demon must GIVE itself...as it's hiding it's identity...without the demon providing it's true demon name an exorcism is totally fruitless and a waste of time and effort...i feel like i just pissed on someone's parade as this WAS a very *chortle chortle* kinda post but i am really into all supernatural things and could quite effortlessly perform an exorcism without any assistance but alas...here in Wales i have yet to come across a possessed sheep...but if and when it happens i will be equipped...skilled and at the ready (one little problem will be the sheep can't talk unless it's Babe from the movie so no demon identity will be given...i really haven't given this enough thought ) Someone please shoot me now
I was think of Sir Henry right from the outset! Couldn't believe someone had pipped me to the comment! You are clearly a woman of culture and taste! (Albeit one with a tendency to trip off on stream-of-consciousness raves about sheep exorcisms!)

Gent; heed this woman's words. Sir Henry is a masterpiece. You will love it!

And a great fun piece of writing. I look forward to more from The Cad


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/21/2018 6:18 pm

Why thankyou kindly Sir...I pride myself on being as sharp as a beach ball
The *genius* in Sir Henry at Rawlinsons End* is the blatant disregard for political correctness...The one liners are true gems...very *Monty Python* but even funnier i guess because of the current complete insanity when it comes to offending someone about something each time you open your mouth....I was in a little boutique last week....lots of interesting vintage style new things especially childrens' toys like the old metal spinning tops...space hoppers...hand puppets etc..Very over priced and pretentious...you almost felt like you were making the place look untidy just standing in it...the owner's demeanor was almost one where she was from some royal descent when ALL she had actually done was open a frigging SHOP..which a trained chimp could do if he had the ability to present a decent and competent business plan with a bank manager (see how i go off on a tangent when i tell a story..it's annoying me let alone anyone else who reads my shit)....as i entered her *kingdom* i smiled to myself when i saw something that transcended me right back to childhood...hand knitted and in various colored clothing and sizes...a ROW of Golliwogs....which were on Marmelade jars everywhere in my childhood...I picked one up (surgical gloves were there for common people to pop on before they could handle the equivalent to the Royal Jewels AKA shop stock)...and this 5 inch tall golliwog had a price tag of £65 pounds...I thought to myself *this biatch is truly taking the piss because for that many bucks i could buy an ACTUAL real black man for a few hours ......and THEN it happened....another customer had approached her at the counter and asked if it was someone local making these Golliwogs and i watched the color drain from the shop keepers face...that look like she was sucking on a lemon....with a small amount of vomit in her mouth...and with a disgusted tone...she said in a raised voice *Oh dear lord..you can't call them THAT anymore...because the word beginning with W is incredibly racist and offensive...so NOW they have been renamed *Golly Dolls* .......In an instant my moment of wanting to buy something nostalgic and vintage vanished into nothingness...The customer who had made the enquiry was clearly distressed for being made to feel like a bad person who should know better...I put my GollyDoll back in it's place on display..and as i walked past the overreacting vile shop owner i couldn't resist stopping and saying *In the last 40 minutes you have only had TWO customers in this establishment....and ONE of those 2 people WAS going to give you the ridiculous overpriced amount of £65 for a Golly Wog because as a child i adored them...I knew many fellow children who..like me....WHITE children...loved them so much we actually had one each...but now you have made it MORE than clear that it is no longer the product i grew up loving and cuddling a lot...then i will have to keep looking elsewhere for what i truly wanted...what it actually IS...a f***ing GOLLY WOG....and may i suggest that you apologise to the only OTHER individual in your SHOP right now for upsetting her unjustifiably....when she made an innocent enquiry about a black knitted doll some f***er made in 10 minutes with materials that probably cost them £5 max to produce...and ONE final piece of advice from someone who has lived and shopped here for over 20 years...TWEAK the attitude and brush up on your clear lack of customer care skills because this town is all about *word of mouth*...which has the ability to give you a thriving business..OR call *time of death* on it within weeks...so get with the program or get out are my words of wisdom for you today...had ONE action made by you today been handled in a different way....your till would now have 65 quid in it...instead of nothing at ALL* (has anyone fallen into a coma yet i wonder... lol).....My point...They WERE golliwogs...and still ARE golliwogs....they're not going to take you to the small claims court...they are made from wool with cotton wool innards...they don't have the capacity or capability of being offended...they want to *keep it real*....keep their *identity and remain true to themselves* ffs ( I will let you make your point first NEXT time TheBargee....Deal ?!?

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


Gentlemancad 60M

2/22/2018 10:51 am

Thank you for referring me to Sir Henry. I am frankly amazed that I haven't heard of him before and the short version prompts me to view the full film in due course. I think it will be worth watching more than once for the richness of the dialogue.

As to the efficacy of the exorcism, the spirit is subsequently named but I shall review the rest of the story forthwith to ensure it stands scrutiny.


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/22/2018 2:39 pm

Ofcourse...One would not expect anything less Cad....I spat my tea out when i heard the reference to kamikaze....*Brainwashed nips flying straight into the ground*...and the class *I am particualrly fond of those 2 chaps Mike and Angelo who painted the cistern chapel* Pure genius...and some people are so dense because when i have shown them the clip they have said that the picture is poor quality not realising that it's been made to BE that way for authenticity.........It's very lonely being ME most days Anyway...enjoy the array of Sir Henry on Youtube....I usually watch at least once a week on a shitty day...Kindest regards from Heidi-Lou

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/22/2018 2:42 pm

Oh almost forgot..you write in almost the identical style....which is what prompted me to mention Sir Henry in the first place...You should definitely have a go at some script writing...You have a very special and unique gift

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


Gentlemancad 60M

2/22/2018 3:05 pm

I doff my hat at you Heidi-Lou. Thank you again. I have the rest of this short story in draft but want to have another read before posting. I always thought I was more from the Carry On school of literature with a heavy dose of Round The Horne. I hope you already know of Round The Horne. If not - I envy you discovering it for the first time!


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/22/2018 3:53 pm

OOOH MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATRON No i have never heard of it..would you be so kind as to enlighten me about *Round the Home* please....and i feel quite honored to get a hat doff from you Cad...much appreciated kind Sir

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/22/2018 3:55 pm

Ooops i think it's *Round the Horne* not HOME Me bad !!!

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/22/2018 3:57 pm

Do you know that i tried to leave a nice comment on one of your pics a couple of days ago but it wouldn't allow me to....i think you either have filters stopping welsh people from speaking to you OR someone as common as muck lol

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


Gentlemancad 60M

2/23/2018 3:59 pm

I have no filters on my photos as far as I know and am actively encourage Welsh people to talk to me. I find they are almost singing even when merely talking. Anyway, thank you for your kind thoughts. i will now find you a link to Round The Horne


Gentlemancad 60M

2/23/2018 4:19 pm

Well some of you may be wondering....

Try searching for Bona Books Julian and Sandy.

Rambling Sid Rumpole is another "splod wurdling" favourute

Or anything called The Clissold Saga....

They were all radio shows but there are films of the West End show, a tribute entitled Round The Horne Revisited


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/23/2018 5:37 pm

I know i am no Bill Gates....but i am almost positive that there was NO link in that last comment...I have no time to search for any Bona Books....Do people even READ books anymore I am a technophobe and have never owned anything with an *i* in front of it...no i phones...no i pod...no i pad...I also don't have a kindle which apparently is a book that is a gadget and you SWIPE to turn the page...this world has moved on without me in tow...or *on board*..i never expected a cliche or a stereo type kinda comment..but the *Welsh sing even when they talk* is even older than that old chestnut...so i am disappointed in you...which i know will leave you feeling *out of sorts* and *beside yourself with worry* for some time....as you should...TUT TUT

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/23/2018 5:41 pm

Oh and just incase you are wondering...the comment i was going to make on one of your pics was *How did you enjoy Penis* .....i know....bloody riveting...and unfunny...it was obviously an *off day* so happy now it wouldn't allow me to make such a bland and stupid remark

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi


Gentlemancad 60M

2/24/2018 4:49 am

Will you stop singing/talking so a chap can get a word in!

Thank you.

So the link didn't work but if you search for Bona Books on Youtube you should find Julian and Sandy from Round The Horne. Bear in mind this was produced in 1965 and is incredibly close to the knuckle even today.

One of our college lecturers assured us Rambling Sid Rumpole was investigated for subversive messages by MI5. I bet they enjoyed that


Lotusflower1 57F
442 posts
2/24/2018 7:47 am

How unfortunate for poor Rambling Sid Rumpole...Shame he wasn't an Isis trained Jihad terrorist given the nod and freedom to walk amongst us ...when we are the *Infidel*in their eyes ....(You really couldn't MAKE this shit UP)....MI5 or any other Intel organisation would have turned a blind eye and pretended he didn't exist..wasn't here...

On a more cheery and less frustrating note...my new addition vintage item arrived this morning...a genuine HUGE ivory Bakerlite wall phone..with the original cord..rotary dial in pristine condition...it's SO heavy i am going to need a masonary drill bit...OR do what i normally do and work through a whole box of 100 tacks using a hammer...which ping out at the mere sight of the hammer head...and leaving a good 2 inch crater in the wall that the phone will only just cover with it's presence.....there is something SO sexy about the sound of a rotary dial don't you think...i think it could replace foreplay for me

The very REAL Geeijane so f**k off Demi



Become a member to comment on this blog